what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
