This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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