someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
