The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
