And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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