The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
