Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Acid is not a monday night drug
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
