dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
