bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The air was thick with penises
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
