so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
