Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
