Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
