next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
