Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just had sex on a roof
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
