Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
