God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
