Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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