You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
