It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
