I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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