This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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