My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
