My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
