The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
