is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
