Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
