I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
