fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
