when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
