well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
