i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
