Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
