I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
