I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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