she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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