My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
