where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
