so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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