If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
