I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
