R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
