You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
