i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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