Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
