take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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