a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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