Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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