What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
