i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
