Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
