we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
