Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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